Understanding the triangle - victim-perpetrator-rescuer was an “aha” moment for me, it explained the dance I did everyday in my life. As I lay in bed this morning listening to my two daughters do a dance they have danced since the day they both existed together in this world, I resisted the urge to leap out of bed to rescue them. It escalated - like a fight between two baboons - all over the last banana. A fear of “there is not enough” and anger at “being pushed around” were the roots of the problem. It wasn’t about the banana. It’s never about the banana - or toilet paper. Victim -perpetrator - perpetrator - victim - and so it went back and forth until it came to a natural head - both girls exhausted, confused, angry and shocked at the intensity of their hissy fit - for I had chosen to allow it to go all the way.
I got out of bed and walked past the girls to the bathroom. My girls both looked to me with appealing eyes, angry faces full of adrenaline. Recently I’d had a deep and meaningful chat with my three girls - about self responsibility - and how each of us is responsible for our own feelings, thoughts and actions. I’d told them that we always have a choice. My lack of interference resulted in them working it out together - but I had also made a choice - I’d declined the invitation to dance.
I’m guilty of playing the perpetrator in my life too - but I was a champion at playing the victim. Being the “done to person” - a victim of autoimmune disease, of an obstetricians inexperience, of a mouldy rental, of a bike accident on black ice, of being the loyal wife, of having a body that did not work like I expected it to or of being bullied at school.
But it never ever served me. Playing the victim never serves anyone. These dances are all about patterns of power - of empowerment and disempowerment. The victim gives away their power - it’s an act of becoming disempowered. The perpetrator tries to takes someones power, the rescuer often takes and gives power at the same time.
When we choose not to join the dance, we keep our power and we empower others to do the same - we choose to be responsible for ourselves and our situation. We start to see different opportunities through a new lens, make better choices, feel empowered and believe in ourselves. Our energy increases and gains momentum, we talk, walk and act differently, and our habits change. With time our personality changes - we shed our old skins, dis-ease can suddenly disappear and as we choose to focus our attention on other things, we start to attract unexpected new opportunities and people into our lives. All because we chose to be self responsible and make empowered choices. How will you choose differently today?
