I am enjoying having my hubby home more, since he started working from home during lockdown. It allows us to have a rare family beach walk, bathed by the warmth of the setting sun, when he’d normally be on the train commuting home from work. Someone starts a game of tag. Unexpectedly, I am tagged from behind… normally I do not play. I freeze, I feel fear, I acknowledge it, but I choose to have faith in my body, to push past the fear. I know it is an old fear and no longer needs to be my truth. I run, it’s going ok. But then I realise I need to run faster to tag someone…. I feel the old fear again, I go through the process again… I run faster… and I tag my child. Out of breath, I am exhilarated. I did it. I am still ok. And I am safe.
Eight years ago, I could not stand for longer than 20 minutes and I used my 15 month old child as a cover to hide the fact that I could barely walk. I could not lift her after she turned 12 months of age, so she had to walk everywhere. I had taught her to climb into her car seat with steps and tricks and lots of coaxing and I was grateful to have her as a decoy to hide my disability and shame.
In my youth and until my early twenties, I was an athlete. A sports house deputy captain. I played anything and everything - from netball to cricket, cross country running, swimming, rowing, horse riding, gymnastics, orienteering, body boarding, ball room dancing, pilates, squash… I even won the Year 9 annual sport award of the year. Sport was my happy place, my stress outlet, where I could let my competitive spirit out, burn excess energy, escape from my active mind and live truly in the present moment. I was gutted when it all had to stop.
Ankylosing spondylitis - a type of inflammatory arthritis - bilateral chronic 2nd degree hamstring tears, a 10 cm abdominal ventral hernia repair, an unstable pelvis, multiple ankle sprains, an elbow injury coming off a bike, birthing three children and the need to keep going, had caused layer upon layer of compensatory patterns of dysfunctional movement that strained my muscles making them work in ways they were not designed to. Needless to say I had a mix of inflammatory and mechanical pain 24/7. Therapists would ask how it was possible that I was even standing. Some said I would never get better. My husband advised me to surrender and get a disabled persons pass. But I never wanted to hear any of that - for none of them were an option for me.
There were a handful of therapists who took me on because they loved a challenge. I could spot their passion and curiosity instantly. I worked hard, placed my trust in them when it felt intuitively right and never lost faith. Two steps forward were often followed by several steps backwards but the trend was mostly in the right direction.
Last year I was inspired by physical therapist, colleague and friend Nik Curry, to attend Dr Joe Dispenza’s week long advanced retreat on the Sunshine Coast in Australia. I worked hard to cover the material alongside my work and parenting responsibilities, earn the funds and do the work needed to participate. I had already long since healed myself from Ankylosing Spondylitis but was working hard re-learning to stand, walk and sit properly. I still had significant biomechanical pain.
The more I delved into Dr Joe Dispenza’s material, the more excited I became to learn the science behind why I had been able to heal my ankylosing spondylitis and several other problems I’d had. For the remaining problems, I learnt to understand how beliefs and emotions - especially fear - were holding me back from my ongoing healing.
On day three of the workshop - I ran. I ran for kilometres on a white sandy beach by sunrise. It was the first time in 20 years. It meant so much - and even more so to be able to share the moment with Nik Curry who through his own healing journey and as my physical therapist and coach could truly fathom what it really meant to me.
Nik and I after my epic beach run and cool off swim
There are still times where I take a few steps backwards and there are other times when I consciously go over my limits with painful consequences that invite me to make better choices. But it is the fear, an old emotional memory embedded deep in the cells of my body, that has the power to hold me back. My awareness of this, finding courage, having faith and overcoming the fear as I did during tag on the beach tonight with a resultant victory - is what propels me forward on my healing journey. And so it continues…. each positive experience deepening my faith that I can do it.
